Menu
One of the most heart-breaking situations divorced or separated parents face is when a child says, "I don't want to go."
Whether the child is refusing parenting time with Mom or Dad, parents often find themselves caught between following a court order and respecting their child's feelings. The situation becomes even more complicated as children get older and begin developing stronger opinions about where they want to spend their time.
The good news is that Minnesota law recognizes that a child's preferences may become increasingly important as they mature. However, parents must also understand that a child generally does not get to unilaterally decide whether parenting time will occur.
Many parents mistakenly believe that once a child reaches a certain age—often 12, 14, or 16—the child can simply choose which parent they want to live with or whether they want to attend parenting time.
That is not the law in Minnesota.
There is no magic age at which a child gets to make that decision. Instead, Minnesota courts evaluate a child's wishes as one factor among many when determining what arrangement serves the child's best interests.
Minnesota Statute § 518.17, subd. 1(a)(3), specifically directs courts to consider:
"The reasonable preference of the child, if the court deems the child to be of sufficient ability, age, and maturity to express an independent, reliable preference."
This means that the older and more mature a child becomes, the more weight a court is likely to give to that child's preferences.
A mature 16-year-old's opinion will generally carry more weight than the opinion of an 8-year-old. However, even with teenagers, the court will want to understand why the child is resisting parenting time before making changes to the schedule.
Before taking action, parents should try to understand the underlying reason for the resistance.
Children may refuse parenting time for many different reasons, including:
Not all refusals are created equal.
A child who wants to skip parenting time because they would rather attend a birthday party presents a very different situation than a child who is expressing fear, anxiety, or significant emotional concerns about spending time with a parent.
Parents often ask whether they should physically force a child into the car.
In most cases, especially with older children and teenagers, this is not productive.
Attempting to physically force an older child to attend parenting time can:
Instead, parents should focus on encouraging compliance while remaining calm and child-focused.
A parent should communicate that parenting time is important and expected while also listening to the child's concerns.
At the same time, parents should be cautious about allowing a child to dictate the schedule without further evaluation.
If one parent routinely allows the child to refuse parenting time, the other parent may claim that parenting time is being interfered with or denied.
Minnesota courts generally expect parents to make reasonable efforts to encourage and facilitate parenting time.
Parents should avoid statements such as:
While those statements may seem supportive, they can unintentionally place adult decision-making responsibilities on the child and create problems if litigation follows.
Family law professionals increasingly discuss what is commonly referred to as "resist-refuse" behavior.
A resist-refuse dynamic occurs when a child strongly resists or refuses contact with a parent. The reasons can vary significantly.
Sometimes the resistance develops because:
The important point is that parents should avoid jumping to conclusions.
A child's refusal does not automatically mean:
Understanding the root cause often requires patience, communication, and sometimes professional assistance from therapists, parenting consultants, reunification therapists, or other qualified professionals.
As children mature, practical realities begin to influence parenting schedules.
Courts recognize that forcing a nearly-adult teenager into a parenting schedule that no longer works may be unrealistic.
A 17-year-old with:
may have considerably more influence over the outcome of parenting time disputes than a younger child.
This is where Minn. Stat. § 518.17, subd. 1(a)(3) becomes particularly important. The court may give substantial weight to the preference of an older teen if the court determines that the preference is independent, reliable, and based on mature reasoning.
However, parents should remember that courts often look beyond the child's stated preference to determine whether the preference is truly the child's own and whether it serves the child's best interests.
If your child is refusing parenting time:
Avoid arguing with your child or criticizing the other parent. Your reaction can either de-escalate the situation or make it worse.
Ask open-ended questions and try to understand why your child is resisting parenting time. The goal is to identify the underlying concern rather than simply debating whether the child should go.
If your child continues to express a desire not to attend parenting time, encourage the child to discuss those concerns directly with the other parent. Depending on the child's age and maturity, that conversation may occur by phone, text, video call, or in person.
Children should learn to respectfully communicate their feelings and concerns to both parents. One parent should not become the spokesperson for the child or attempt to negotiate on the child's behalf.
A parent should avoid telling the other parent that the child will not be attending parenting time or otherwise taking ownership of the child's refusal.
When a parent intervenes and effectively makes the decision for the child, the court may view that conduct as interference with parenting time rather than a child's independent refusal. In some circumstances, such conduct can expose the parent to allegations of parenting time interference and even contempt proceedings.
Instead, parents should make reasonable efforts to facilitate the scheduled parenting time while allowing the child to express his or her own concerns directly.
Even if the child is resistant, parents should continue encouraging a healthy relationship with the other parent whenever it is safe and appropriate to do so.
Keep records of the child's statements, your efforts to encourage parenting time, and any communication regarding the issue. If litigation later occurs, documentation may help demonstrate that you acted appropriately.
A therapist, family counselor, parenting consultant, or reunification professional may be able to identify and address the underlying causes of the resistance.
If the resistance becomes ongoing, particularly with older children, it may be appropriate to consult an attorney regarding whether a modification of parenting time should be considered.
When a child refuses parenting time, there is rarely a simple answer.
Minnesota law recognizes that a child's preferences become increasingly important as the child grows older and more mature. Under Minn. Stat. § 518.17, subd. 1(a)(3), courts may consider the reasonable preference of a mature child when determining what arrangement is in that child's best interests.
At the same time, parents should avoid placing the burden of adult decisions on children or allowing a temporary refusal to dictate long-term parenting arrangements.
The most successful approach is usually one that balances respect for the child's feelings with a commitment to maintaining healthy parent-child relationships. Understanding why the child is resisting parenting time is often the first and most important step toward finding a solution that truly serves the child's best interests.
As children mature, their voices matter more. Parents who listen carefully, encourage direct communication, avoid stepping into the middle of the conflict, and focus on the child's long-term well-being are far more likely to navigate these situations successfully than parents who simply force compliance or abandon the parenting schedule altogether.
Every family is different, and there is no one-size-fits-all answer when a child begins resisting parenting time. The age of the child, the reasons for the resistance, the history of the parent-child relationship, and the existing court orders all play an important role in determining the best path forward.
If you are facing a situation where your child does not want to attend parenting time, it is important to understand both your rights and your responsibilities before taking action. A well-intentioned decision today can sometimes create unintended legal consequences tomorrow.
At Mundahl Law, PLLC, we help Minnesota parents navigate complex custody and parenting time issues with a focus on practical solutions and the best interests of children. If you have questions about parenting time, a child's preference, parenting time modifications, or resist-refuse dynamics, we invite you to contact our office to schedule a consultation.
Together, we can help you evaluate your options and develop a strategy that protects both your child and your relationship with them.
© 2026 Mundahl Law, PLLC| View Our Disclaimer | Privacy Policy