How to Prepare Emotionally Before You Divorce

Divorce is, of course, a legal process; it changes the legal nature of your relationship to another person and your rights and responsibilities to one another. But it’s not just a legal process. It’s also a financial, social, and crucially, an emotional one. You need to prepare for your emotional divorce as diligently as you prepare for the other aspects of ending your marriage.

We’ve often talked in this space about the emotions that accompany divorce: grief, anger, fear, and anxiety, as well as relief, anticipation, and hope. But the truth is that emotion doesn’t start with divorce. It’s present in every moment of our lives, and our feelings about past experiences affect our expectations of future ones. How we feel influences how we act, which affects our relationships.

As attorney Susan Mundahl notes in her new book, The Emotional Divorce, “The purpose of our emotions, at their best, is to move us to action.” Understanding your emotions will help you get ready for your divorce and take positive action both in your divorce and the new life you create afterward.

Divorce and Emotions

For many people, the dominant emotion they experience before and during divorce is anger—but anger isn’t always what it seems. As Susan notes, “Anger often covers our more vulnerable feelings of sadness, fear, or disappointment. Understanding this can be a first step in dealing with your divorce constructively. Recognize that beneath your anger might be a need for healing, for recognition of your pain, or a call for a deeper understanding of the events that unfolded in your life.”

Feeling angry often feels better, more powerful, than those more vulnerable feelings. And you may be going through experiences to which anger is a legitimate response. But clinging to anger to avoid feeling vulnerable inhibits you from moving forward and creating the life you want.

That’s not to say you shouldn’t acknowledge and feel your anger—you should, and you must. In many ways, attempting to deny your anger is as dangerous and debilitating as remaining stuck in it. But you also need to acknowledge the other emotions that may underlie your anger, like grief and pain. Those emotions may not feel good, but they are important and valuable.

Susan observes, “Feeling hurt is an acknowledgment that you cared, that what you had was significant. And while the pain is real, it also signifies the depth of your capacity to love and commit. Use this pain not as a weapon against yourself or your ex-spouse, but as a stepping stone to move forward into a deeper understanding of yourself and what you truly value in relationships.”

In other words, until you are able to set aside your anger enough to process these deeper emotions, you may feel stuck, unable to move toward the brighter future that is waiting for you. Understanding your emotions can also help you avoid repeating unhelpful behavior and responses in future relationships.

The Role of Therapy in Divorce

The need to unpack and process difficult emotions is one reason that we recommend therapy for getting through divorce. Therapy gives you a tool kit for understanding your emotions, and the ability to recognize and change unhealthy patterns. Another way that therapy can set you up for success in future relationships is to help you love yourself as you deserve. Susan notes, “Your capacity to love yourself directly influences how you navigate the turbulent waters of emotional separation in divorce.”

This is critical because for many people, divorce makes them question whether they are lovable, especially if they have suffered emotional abuse in the past. Susan points out, “Our value does not lie in whether we are intelligent or not, or even how well we can fix dinner or make a bed. Our value is in being human and being alive. All of us deserve kindness from others and to express kindness towards others.”

If you have not been treated with kindness and care, you may have difficulty believing you are worthy of love. Therapy can help you understand that your worth is inherent and depends on no one else. That can enable you to move forward and build the life you truly deserve.

Moving Forward Through Your Divorce and Beyond

The poet Robert Frost is reported to have said, “The only way out is through,” and that’s an apt observation when it comes to divorce and emotions. You can try to repress your painful emotions, deny them, self-medicate them, distract yourself from them. But in the end, you have to acknowledge them and fully experience them. If you are able to do so successfully, your emotions can do what they are intended to: propel you forward.

Susan Mundahl reminds clients and readers, “In the heart of your pain lies a unique opportunity to grow from the ashes of your despair. Acknowledge the hurt, but let it teach you about resilience and the power of starting anew, on terms that honor your deepest needs and aspirations.” After all, “In every ending, there is a seed of new growth—a chance to reflect, learn, and evolve into a stronger, more resilient individual.”

Navigating the emotional divorce isn’t easy, but it is worth it. To learn more about the emotional stages of divorce or to work with an attorney who understands the role emotion plays in divorce, contact Mundahl Law online, call us at 763-575-7930, or click schedule a consultation to speak with our Client Advocate.